A Peek Into Kizi's Mind

Its been a month since i last posted a journal and i feel like i should update...and im feeling rather lonely/emoish so i m gonna rant to..


so yep...so far nothing much has happened...well actually no last month i was completly swamped with something to do almost daily!

lets see...My bestfriends 21 b-day so her boy and my boy and me sat around my house and drank woo and the crashed at my place..bascially nothing happened (seriously XD)

um My little brother was shipped off to boot camp, he joined the navey so we had a HUGE family party the weekend before hand then i caught the flu so i was in bed all until he left said my good byes and crawled right back into bed till halloween...

Then the week afterwards i return to school and its my boy's birthday for which i got him a expensive as pocket watch. but it was pretty worth it to see teh look onhis face at the time espically since i had it engraved...

so now i have nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and catch up on the shit ton of homework imiss which is all fine and dandy till i returned back to work and just relaized how lonely i was again..

Everyone has someone....even though i do have someone i only get to see them occasionally i dont get to go home with them and cuddle or anything..

 We cant help it if our schedules compeltely clash and he needs to get to bed usually way earlier then i ever do so i usually turn to my online friends who mostly happen to be men and most of them once im frekain taken seem Oh i like you Lets go out!

WTF? is it just me when im single no one wants me Though granted the last time i was single it was less then a month and someone did tell me if given the chance they would have made a move on me but i would have turned him down flat not cause i dont like him i love the guy to peics im looking for a relationship where we atleast live in the same state...

And i have but its like having a long distance relationship with just occsionally a very tired mate to come visit and it usually makes me feel bad for being a greedy girlfriend to demand him come out and visit me...pleh..

Ugh relationships are way to complicated via long distance or in state....though i suppose most people date closer to home which i havent cause i mean come on who'd want me lol i just got lucky  my personality,its is more then 1 dimensional according to my mate who likes me just that reason which kinda makes me happy.

well with my parents gone god knows where and my house completely creepily empty with no onebut me and the dogs I am gonna go crawl into bed and cuddle with my gaint panda...since i have no living human to snuggle by my side... even though really its ALL I WANT! NOTHING MORE -sad...-

No more emo time for me

Later days

Have you ever felt like a outcast...just like no one wants anythiong to do with you in the least bit....But when you do the littlest thing they get on your ass?

It fucking sucks...its a wonder i just come in and leave right after class if i dont visit the library first...

Fucking "trying" to be social to bunch of closed minded people that obviously dont want anything to do with me...and give me this utter look of horror if i try and say hi to another friend....Just fuck it all..

From now on its library class if i have to library home just class and striaght home now....

I'm so fucking tired of it all man..


On a lighter note....Malik's court case draws ever closer kinda like my year ann. that i still havent done jack for XD i really need to get on top of that but between hw my lack of sleep  classes work and just being tired all the damn i really dont have any energy to do anything...

Meh! but god i would love to just sketch something for him....i really wana ...and i would love to see him...>I cant belive i didnt see him this whole month...-le sad- 

oh well off to class then to eye doctors i belive...then to pay my phone bill Then back home for hw! -insert kermit yaaaaaay!-

Christ all mighty...

 

SOrry bout the last post....After siting around and getting somethings off my chest (AKA crying my freakin eyes out)
I relaized i dont mean half the things i said ....and some i do but thats like 20% of it.... honstly...but yea

I finally banged out that drawin i said i do for duck months ago....its not particualrly happy...then again i havent been particuarly happy in a long while....Im either stressed tired or cranky as all fuck...

But blah...now i just have to figure out what to say as good bye ya know..i mean im really just done he's off my list of my phone and offf my mind unless he wants to talk to me...which i would whole heartedly welcome...i really could use another friend....just someone to talk to since  really rarely talk to people...

Im even thinking about getting rid of my cell...its nothing but a big clock....i dont use my mintues i hardly txt anymore its really pointless to have one just give me a pocket full of change and im sure i can find a payphone somewhere easily..

Ducks gota  new girlfriend//boyfriend i dunno...and honsetly i kinda dont wana know...

Atleast one of us is happy...I still wish we could talk...ever snce the split my frinds have been dwindling to zip almost...FOxy moved silk has his girlfriend...maria has her boyfriend and what do i have...?

My hw to comfort me when im bored and lonely..i dare not bother my boyfriend no longer since hes rather busy...all the time...

Maybe nikki and nate are right...I mean if Nathen can take time to see his girlfriend once a week...and they live the same amount away that me and Dan do  


Argh... relationships are pointless when your not happy ...is it really that hard to find one guy in jersy that wants to love me...? 

...I just...want a normal realtionship one where i see my loved one a little more regularly then once a month...even i have to drive out to see him....-sniffs- But no i suppose I'll stay with lev...its not like anyone else will ever be intrested in some one like me...a fat "Furry Otaku" who's failing basic algerbra after 5 fucking days...


god  i need a drink....a couple drinks till i pass out...-sniffs-

Wow im posting one during the day! Le gasp!

just something that i noticed as of late....Most of my friends are movin out and im still same ol same ol

I would love to get out but first off no funds as of now...second my  confusing as bf dosnet wana :P

but i do have a cool friend that is intrested in it which would be cool but i really doubt that it'll happen....

I always say i'll move out with this person or that person! or him!  but it never happebs...but for the life of me i dont wana be like my aunt

I love my aunt to death but at 30 somethingyears old i really hope to be out the house unlike her not that im slamming her she's raising to wonderful kids and is almost done with school and works full time so it easier for her to stay there while my nana watches the kids...But still i so dont wana be in the same house at 30 years old i would like to be out here by 23 at the latest....but i really dont see it happening...BLAH!!

well thats my 2 cents...

So little update of my life...not much has happened

Dan did come to that family thing i mnetioned in my last journals and my family LOVED him...let me rephrase that my family LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED him!

I think they see wedding bells not that i want to anytime soon..

god he confuses me....He wants to get married like now freakin put a ring on my finger asap and have kids...and im all cool for that but with time..lots and ots of time ...preferablly 3 years.. 2 years minium

But he dosent wana movin together cause it be distracting to me in school....LIKE A FREAKIN WEDDING ISNT!? the only distraction he could give me is not letting me get enough sleep a day before a test...even then i pretty sure if i pressed he would hold back..

-sighs- i dont know what to do witht he man.. or maybe he secretly dosent wana be with me and this is his way of holding me back..? i dunno..

i suppose it dosent matter lately i miss the damn guy so damn much its affecting my everyday life..i cant sleep well i can but not to the wee early morning like....9 its pretty much fixed at ime dead to the worl 9am-3pm and then whatever happends in between happens...rarely anythinghappends except my parents getting on my case cause school starts up in a week...today seemed worst then normal though...after bunni (Aka my other boyfriend Akaaka The other dan XD) i couldnt muster the energy to leave the couch until my brother kiked me out of the room i sat in front of the computer blankly for a hour before crawling into bed till my parents kickedme out of bed around 6....2 hours later im back in bed and about 4 hours later im up again...but i dont wana be so itook some sleeping pills..... its that or study until i pass out to cope with this ache ive had for weeks now..


I pray and hope once school starts i'llbe so busy i wont notice this i have one more week to go..and then the 20th the day maliks trail....If weget the kid i know i;ll be to damn busy to even spare a thought to dan..

for now its cry or just sleep the pain away and study...or play wow.... XD yay for wow...

for now i;ll go study till my eyes bleed or the sleeping pills kick in..which ever happens first

its been awhile since i last posted Le gasp! i nearly forgot i had a LJ


but alas i didnt :d hehe

So firist off otakon was A-fuckingMAZING! I never had so much fun at  the damn con a as i sis going with work friends basicallly by myself no fur friends no silk or duck or levi and eirk or ria and joe  Just me myslef and I and i had the best time of my life i went to all sorts of pannels I even met that guy who played the joker last year even if it wa s abreif time it was nice to see him i hope to see him again next year. I luaghed i smiled i dont think once i teared up...no wait yea but thats was from laughing to damn hard

KAt and i wandered every where and have our own private jokes now, Molly and becca and hailey where super nice oto though  hail's kept stealing my little levi plush XD


Ahh..i didnt want to leave  but alas i had to

So yea works same old same old lev i and i ...pretty much the same i did see him last weekend which was nice but a terrfying experince since i met  like his entire family i kinda hid a corner most of the time and shut my trap i was to nervous to speak i couldnt eat till the last hour of the party i was afraid with my tummy problems i would upcheck nexiuam or no nexium. Not to say his famil wasnt nice on the contray i think im in love with his grammy xD she was so nice we became instant friends. I know for a fact me and one of his aunts are good friends only cause we a both highly active book readers XD. but that didnt make any less want to run and hide in my car or back to howell...ugh i hate having such a socail fear...the only time that goes away is during otakon surprisngly but then again im surronded by otaku's and i am one myself its pretty neat to strike up a random converstaion with person on some anime just cause you both know it XD...ah oh well

Oh i jsut recently got my nose pericd >D
( Owie my nose :c )

so yea...aside from that im hoping to see levi around august 15th for a family event i 'll be taking off all weekend for but i kind a doubt it...he works all the time -sighs- Oh well..

better get my chores :B

Later days

At 8 in the mornin while followin behind my dad to drop off my car I half thought bout the things said the last 2 days....they were totally out of line.

I mean if he was that bad I would have dumped him by now...wouldn't I?

Everyone has a good and bad side like me I'm whiney and clingy and most likely really demanding.

Alas I also get slightly by my friends and people around me, oh our relationship is so awsome and blah blah blah ....while mines stays just bout the same.. Which would be a great thing if wasn't...so rotunie(sp??)-ish I see him once a month if I'm lucky, we talk a few times a week...bout mostly the same things we talk bout every other day rinse wash and repeat end.

I really shouldn't bitch since most people would be just peachy with that..I suppose I'm not most people though...

Later days

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First off summer ...yuck

Second off I so want to just kill all the stupid fuckers that treat me like some dead brained idoit for working at a fucking theater

I mean god it's enough to get it from my boyfriend

Which really rubs me the wrong way but of course I take it silently like a real dead brained moron

Like the other day I asked him bout meeting my aunt I can't remebr what was said cause I deleted every thing but I think it was like I leave tommorrow or some shut how the fuck would I fucking know since we NEVER ever talk I mean a really good decent concversation that has nothing to do with trains or the future or just blah! Fucking blah!

Ugh.. Well yea in done ranting hopefully I have some day off so I canh hang with my new fablous friend davey I swear I am just a gay magent a good portion of my friends are gay men xD I'm such a fag hag

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So what I said the other night I said mostly outa anger -sighs-

But I'm nor gonna apologize for something that made me feel ten times better

Well that and some agressive sewing (my poor fingers still sting) and watching full metal panic whoo! An lots of ranting and giggling to nick and sammy

Though it's kinda weird to find out that 2 out of 4 ex bf's I had are still hoping I'd go back to them. Wtf? I'm pretty sure that's not supposed ta happen....I mean I do go out of the norm to be-friend a ex cause most of them were utterly awsome guys and when we talk we have fun. Espically with nick yum yum nick xD...in all honesty though if I did have a chance to maybe go back to one it deffinatly be nick mostly cause a.) he's getting his own apartment....enough said really XD and be completly worth it to travel down south for that ....

But alas I am taken...not that it's a bad thing... Somedays... Today eh

I guess I'm just really sick of seeing people around all happy happy and gooshyin there relationships when I'm not eh it dosent matter 23 days till otakon! Woooo otakon!

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I should be so happy right now. My lil bro graduated I spent a nice evening with the folks and grandma plus aunt and cousins

But after a fualty conversation with dan whom I did brush off but I go back to apologize and he's gone and now I feel like crap and..just blah curling and crying is
Seeming like a better and better idea...

I almost wanna say just fuck it all the relationship included but I'm....

Well I'll say for now cause I dont care no more cause he's going I don't give a damn were with I don't give a shit anymore who

So fuck him fuck everyone just fuck my drama ridden life

I'm fucking out

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Yep I'm going to otakon again! My friend molly tempted me somethin ferice! She has a hotel that's connected to the convention center omgs awsomeness!!!!

But this year I'm going just for me no dan no ria no foxy just me a few friends from work and all the cute guys I can watch xD

it's going to be so wicked! I'll actually have people to walk and talk with instead of wondering off on my own when things get to akward yay..!

This year I'll visit lots of pannels and peak in at the anime maybe even visit the art room more squee

Though...wish me luck comein up with 500$ big ones in 24 days xD even if I have to dip into savings it will be worth it woo!

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I have to wonder am I such a terrible friend that most people befriend leave me after a certain time
Like certain friends that I do almost anything for...

Or am I just to clingy? I try my damned hardest not to be

Is it really to much to ask for one friend that I count on not leaving me..like I try to do for the I ones I feel closest to... People who I waited until half way into the night to pick them up from. The bus station and let them crash at my place

People who when needed some kind reassuanrnce I would say anything to make them happy again just to see a smile on there face

Maybe I'm just one of those people that get used and abused and tossed out when they no longer need but still crawl back to them whenever they show me the tniest bit of attention..

God I really am a maschotis (?) I can't help it I suppose... I'm 21 with no social lifei hardly ever leave the house hell my room for that matter except to go the local library where I can almost swear some of them know me by name now since I visit weekly

The only thing I look forward to is seeing dan though I try my best not to pester him. But on that rare chance I get to see him it's usually one of my most happiest of days even if we just sit around cuddling and watching the history channel

-signs- this going to be a long summer... I really can't wait for school to start atleast i'll have something to do Mon-thurs.

Any way that's it for now

Later days

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Today would be 4 years if we were still dating

Though he more likely never again look in my direction though I do miss him

Not the relationship to be honest I mean dating him was great and lots of fun -blushes- I miss the compaion I had once the one I could talk to for hours on the simplist of subjects I just miss talking to him...

I am doing my best to give him his space and let him be but I really really hope someday we can be friends and just talk with out that akwardness that's now there whenever I do mange to get his attention

-sighs- oh well happy 4 years duck though you'll most likely never read This

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So for most college friends of mine school is out! I should be peachy with this espically since next fall I'm going back I have my schedule and everything all set up I's taken itlian ^^!

But yea at the moment it blows I still have no comp I missed lev's graduation which sucks and at the same time I'm hugely relived cause I didn't have to see his parents and most likely embarss the hell out of him phew really! Don't get me wrong I'd love go meet his parents but when I'm not such a loser...I mean for god sake I work at a movie theater xP I'm certinally not he kind of girl you wana bring home to your parents..

Aside from that ria is certinally branching out and I hate to admit it but I'm kinda envious of her which is utterly silly cause she is
Litterally one of my best female friends I have ever had. She is hella lucky though she has pat and bam! Within a week the cart guy is infatuated with her I mean don't get me wrong she's very pretty and one if a kind so it dosent surprise me in the least bit. And the awsome part they both don't live far from her she is mad lucky. I kinda wish someone flirt with me just once... It be helluva a confidence booster that's for sure but that is never gonna happen first off I ain't pretty enough .. Though there was that one guy way back and then I saw him again when he switched jobs and I saw him recently years later at the theater but I didn't recgonize him till after he left... Hehe my bad xD eh but yea aside from that like one random joe never gonna happen and if it does if your not wearing a sign that says I'm flirting with you!!! I will never know I'm so I obliviouse... Duck was so right bout that one

Hm.. It be nice to hear from a certain some one more often as well it feels like lately we don't talk as much as we Used to...but it can just me being silly sides he has so much going on with his life and stuff I really rather not be a pain in the ass..I'm such a push over eh?

Well summer so far sucks and it sucks being sick!!! BLAH!!

Well that's it for now..

Later days

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Everything sucks...

Why i dont know it just does....maybe cause i dont have enough in me this week  from working just bout every day to give a damn

Like mom kicking me off the main computer...the one with the working speakers and my games...everything i really like....well its gone ..indeffinatlly...

i mean its no biggie i guess...as long as i play nice i can keep...my really really old lap top which im just lucky now a days the cord will work.. to keep it charaged long enough to finish this

work has sucked epically...Spring break hit us like a fucking tornado and everyones exhausted!i think i worked every day this week except sunday...which surprised the fuck outa me
 
but yea... just everything sucks..I think im coming down with somehting nasty to...just before malik comes to woopie..

And so much for buying a new blue tooth conecter for my tablet...I cant install it if im locked out..


suck suck suck suck...everything sucks this week....im hoping levi will come this saturday....and everything will just be magically better once im in his arms again...heres hoping he comes at all

Well ...my parents are dragging me to ny to visit my family....i suppose its better then sitting around twiddling my thumbs here....though i'll be doing just that when im over there...or sleeping

-sighs- I would rather spend the day with levi but...eh oh well

Later days

i forgot to mention my job sucks more then usual...blah...what little privleges us lowly red shirts have where ripped away..My manger is a control freak man

HE chewed me out for doing my job -wrinkles her nose- im waiting for him to revoke our movie right and your going to see the whole crew just out the door in s.5 man...

well enough venting i have to get ready for my craptastic job

I hate having weekends off with nothing to do do...

Sunday i have all day and well i ddont wana hang with foxy and ria well she ahs a date and i dont wana interrupt that...or die early.. and neither sound to appeasing

and dan is going to spend time with his family  and me being me are to much of a pansy to say hey.....can i come with? nope im gonna keep my dumb ass silenton fact i wont really bug him bout visiting at all i mean he graduates next month and i dont wana bother him with his studies...nop nope...blah..

man sunday is gonna suck ass... 

alright im done  ...i feel better -sighs- a little atleast woot..


Alright later days

only the thought of him not loving you no more can make you wana burst into tears in the middle of work.

God i really wanted to...i almost did..

I cant cry now though i kinda sucked it up...i feel so numb though all the way to my finger tips..i cant feel anything...

it all started when levi and i got into ..well ic ant call it a fight nor a arguement..i dnno what to call it...I just know he signed of or something...

And maybe hes mad at me...or i finally broke him and he finally sees why am i dating this chick....-sighs-

I always do that i push them away until i finally realize hey I really do care for them! and its to late...im such a moron....maybe im just destined to be alone...ugh...

later days

the emo one